The Devil’s Sports Dictionary (Abridged)

dWith apologies to Ambrose Bierce.

arena (n.) – a palatial structure beloved in part for its displays of human athleticism, but mostly for its $5 Dasani

boo (v.) – a low braying noise one makes when one is unable to play any sport skillfully

Canseco (v.) – to err egregiously

“I can’t watch the Little League World Series, because those kids Canseco even the easiest popups.”

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Fan Of The Week, July 20-26: John Creamer

11705156_10153462482421322_3474630829106245832_nJohn Creamer, 24
Location: Edinburgh, UK
Occupation:
Graduate Student

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All-Star Stupidity

2014BaseballAll-StarGame-insidelargeAs we learned on Tuesday, Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game is a nice load of fluffy fun. It’s usually not much of a game, and this year’s edition was no exception. But God help you if you didn’t feel a little something when the “Franchise Four”—Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Sandy Koufax, and Willie Mays—walked out arm-in-arm for the first pitch. It may lack stakes and tension, but the All-Star Game is rivaled only by the Fall Classic and Opening Day in terms of scale and corny baseball pageantry.

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“Real” Salt Lake: Major League Soccer’s Authenticity Problem

Portland+Timbers+v+Real+Salt+Lake+Western+pCJNXI8dLNLlWe were all irritatingly young at some point. People with older siblings can recall time after time when they tried to fit in, but never quite got there, no matter how many rap discographies they torrented or weird jeans they bought. Absent our siblings, still more of us arrive on college campuses for our freshman years believing ourselves to be fully-formed adults with worthwhile thoughts, when really we’re merely parroting the vetted ideas of other people and cultures. (College-freshman “Marxists,” for example, are almost assuredly not steeped in Communism.)

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Fan Of The Week, July 13-19: Marvin Edmond

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Marvin Edmond, 23
Location: San Diego, CA
Occupation: Dancer

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Fan Of The Week, July 6-12: Ryland Stewart

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Ryland Stewart, 72
Occupation: Retired/Fisherman
Location: Washington DC

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Under Further Review: Tiger Hood

p1110474I was amused at the prospect of reviewing Tiger Hood, a documentary that clocks in at a grand total of seven minutes. However, I’m happy to say that this unique, quirky project offers plenty to think about and reflect on. It’s been a long time (maybe never) since I’ve seen a film that is this short, yet also feels complete. Hell, I never thought a sports film would remind me of literary character Don Quixote.

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Fan Of The Week, June 29 – July 5: Aubriaunna Thomas

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Aubriaunna Thomas, 23
Location: Atlanta, GA
Occupation: Dancer

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Roger Goodell Suspends Kicker, Because Why Not?

An NFL spokesperson announced today that Commissioner Roger Goodell has suspended rookie kicker Dan Smith of BYU for the entirety of the 2015 season. When asked about the reason for the suspension, Goodell cackled and gently stroked his Persian cat.

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A Conversation On Gun Safety with Thomas Brady

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In the wake of last week’s tragic mass shooting in Charleston, SC, we feel it is not an appropriate time to cover the comparatively trivial goings-on of the sports world. In the first installment of a seven-part series on violence, race, and class in America, we will delve into the topic of gun use and legislation. Joining us to add what will surely be an illuminating perspective is gun-control advocate and inspiration for the famed Brady Bill, Thomas Brady.

CSB: Mr. Thomas Brady, our sincerest thanks to you for lending your voice to this conversation. It is an honor and a privilege to be seated across from such a luminary of public policy.

TB: Guys, you’ve got it wrong. I have nothing to do with the Brady Bill. I am Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots.

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